I was lying in bed, awake again, thinking about the future (okay, I'll admit it: worrying about the future), and thinking again about the day that Ben died, when a thought occurred to me:
What if a miracle did happen on that day?
I was joking to my friend Whitney the other day, telling her that I was wondering, "Look at the idiots who are reproducing and look at all of these amazing women in my life who have lost babies in the last few months... Hello? God, are you in charge of anything?" Whitney joked back, "Yeah, it's like He's got an intern running stuff up there right now...."
I had to laugh. That was really funny. Whitney makes me laugh on a pretty regular basis :)
And of course, we know it isn't true, that He's put a sophomore in charge. But dang. Sometimes it feels like it.
So I was drifting in and out of sleep, now worrying about what happens when I do get pregnant again-- will I live? And that's when it occurred to me-- I lived.
God is not capricious or weak or forgetful. He is not checked out, on vacation, or disinterested. He is not powerless in the face of Job-era-like taunting from the enemy. He does not lose bets, his glasses or his marbles. His plans are good and firm. His ideas are rich and complex. He created every blade of grass that grows in my yard and He knit together every one of us in our mothers' wombs. And on the day that Benjamin was taken, I was not taken. It could have just as easily been me, but it was not. Women die in childbirth, tragically, just like babies do. I did not.
And it is incredibly important that I not miss that. That we not miss things like that.
It occurs to me that He performs miracles on our behalf every day and we are often not even aware of all of our near-misses. And we shake our fists at Him and ask Him where He is...and His lovingkindness never ceases, even in the face of that.
Again, I lay my hand on my mouth...
13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
15 Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high;
the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
17 I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
Psalm 118: 13-17
Bless the Lord!