Tuesday, July 21, 2009

at night

you come to me
when it's dark out.
when the crickets and tree frogs
sing and croak,
you float through my window
and wait in front of me.
you watch me,
you feel me,
you breathe with me,
you remind me.

and the eyes in my eyes
are open
and i am there
and it is bright
and green eyes whisper
that they'll see me in a minute
and everything is black,
but i still see.
i see them lift you from me.
i see them hush and pale.
i see you, little one...
i see you there.

and i am paralyzed.

i cannot help you.
i cannot move toward you or
hold you
or kiss you.

i am motionless
and my hands cannot find you or
touch you
or have you.

i dance here
between wanting to see it
again and again, this
horror film
sad, sad story
and wanting to forget it
for good and for all.

i know i'm in charge of what i remember
and that i pet these memories.
i know it.
i know i could make it stop.
i could make myself sleep.
but it's the same scene again and again
and i think
maybe i'll remember it differently this time
and maybe it will matter...

am i so insane?
am i so mad that i believe that i might
remember it better,
remember it right,
and this time you'll come home with me?

this time your father won't weep.

this time i'll hold you alive.

this time you'll see my face.

this time you pull in air
and you let it out in the loudest,
most amazing cry
that ever was heard...
not silence.

it's at night, little one,
that you come to me,
and i dread it and long for it
and i don't know what there is for it
but to keep asking

please tell him i would have loved him
please tell him that i longed for him
please tell him that i haven't forgotten him
and that you didn't ask me if you could take him
and i would have said no
no matter what
and that i wanted him so badly,
wanted him so much...
please tell him...

those are my prayers lately.
that and just

help. oh help.


Andrea said...

Today is Tuesday..and I cry with you my daughter..I can not imagine losing you and the loss of Benjamin has been the worse pain ever-.you are the most amazing mother and I pray Ben hears every word of your longing and love..

Samantha said...

thank you momma. i love you.