Sunday, December 28, 2008


I love my pastor.

I love going to church and coming away both encouraged and convicted. Both.

I have so many thoughts lately--thinking about my baby, my husband, my home, my job, my parents, my brother.... I alternate between thoughts: I worry, I recognize how blessed I am, I plan, I fret/worry some more, I cry because I'm both hormonal and happy...but all the while, there is always this thing inside me that craves...more. I think I'm craving peace.

But it's the kind of peace that my dad first taught on and then Beyers taught again today: the word "peace" means, in the Greek, to "set at one again" (this is my own translation-- I'm just sketching here). Beyers put it like this: drop a glass and it shatters into a million pieces. The process of putting it back together again is what it means to be set at peace: to be re-made whole. Dad, as a counselor, added his own twist to it: to have one's mind set at peace is to have it restored to sanity. I love both of these definitions.

I worry constantly-- some days I'm cool, but some Stupid worrying. The kind of worrying that...well, yesterday Don and I went to the car wash (a really good one in Snellville-- I'm going to tell all of my students that they need to get jobs working at one of those this summer. Hard work, but honest and pretty good high school pay) and we were watching my car come through the wash itself (you could watch from picture windows-- my son will love watching this one day!). I knew that there is this one piece on top of my car that keeps wanting to come off-- it's a strip of something... I cannot describe it, but it's purely cosmetic and you wouldn't be able to tell if it came off completely. Anyway, I was watching and I said to Don, "Honey, what if that thing comes up?" and he looked at me and smiled and said, "You worry all the time, don't you?" It wasn't offensive and he didn't mean it to hurt me-- it was an observation. I had worried all day about little things. Worried that I wasn't entertaining him enough as we ran errands together-- our first day together, just the two of us, in ages. Worried worried worried.

It's not the first time we've talked about it. And I don't know where I picked it up-- I guess I've always been a worrier, and I'm praying for my children that this worry thing will not be passed along to them.

But Paul said that if we set our minds on Christ, that if we spend time before Him in prayer, that He will set our minds at peace. I can just imagine putting these things I worry about straight into His capable hands and Him putting those hands on my head: peace, be still. Where my mind has been fractured with worry-- doubleminded-- He will make it whole with trust.

Let it be, Lord. And thank You for the word.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

And then all is fine!

Fear is so fickle. It never tells you when it's going to show up, and then it leaves and doesn't call again until you have no time for it.

Today, no fear. Most days, no fear.

Until day before yesterday, when I started thinking about labor. :) But I have to admit, that was rational, "oh my gosh, you'd better get thee to a labor class thingy, and quick" kind of fear.

And today, I bought maternity tops. WEIRD!! But cool, too.

This whole thing is blowing my mind all the time. And can I just tell you, people treat you like stinking royalty when you're pregnant? My have-been pregnant friends know this already. I suppose that I have also made much of pregnant women in the past, but it's really precious. I'm not showing really, yet, to anyone but myself (stuff fits funny, etc.), but my friend Paige and I went shopping today and she's hilarious-- she tells everyone. Suddenly, people get really, really happy. The waitress at Longhorn's brought us EXTRA bread :) straight out of the oven and made sure to remind me that it was multigrain and good for me and the baby. A cashier at another store decided to give me a short dissertation on breastfeeding and the proper time to introduce cereal. At school, I've heard kids say, "Dude, be nice. She's pregnant!"

That's my favorite.

The only complaint I have today is this: I would LOVE Bailey's Irish Creme. It's not something I ever want, really. But today, it would be yummy. I'll settle for cocoa.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Fear is like...

It's so weird how fear seems to just a snake: coiled, waiting around the corner for you to trip or pause or sit....

Things are coming along swimmingly and then I go and break my own rule: online medical info. Why? Why do I do these things to my brain? I can do nothing about the fact that I am 37 years old and pregnant! I'm a bit stuck on getting pregnant while not-exactly-skinny, too. Why do I have to go read the complications?

I am insane! Because this thing that has happened is a miracle! And I am doing everything that I am supposed to do to make sure this baby (boy) is born healthy and whole. And the rest, as my dear friend Amy says, is up to God. "He is knitting this baby!"

But the fear... the only thing I can compare it to sometimes is the feeling I used to get about 45 minutes into a flight (I haven't flown in so long...): oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. How is this thing in the air? What happens if a bird flies into the engine? What if another plane's radar goes down? What if I poke this pen realllly hard through the wall of the plane? What if someone else does? I want off!! I WANT OFF!!

And there's nothing you can do once panic hits on a plane. Just breathe deep and pray and recognize that your butt is on the plane for the length of the flight no matter how you happen to feel about it. And repeat that one verse again and again:

God has not given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind. 2Tim 1:7

The same with now: I am thrilled to be pregnant. I am beyond happy to be expecting a baby boy. I am amazed and astonished and blessed and overwhelmed. But I'm ON this ride, scary possibilities and all. I can't get off. I'm in. 100%. And if I let panic seep in, like the cold flush that rushes through my face and hands whenever it happens, I'm sunk.

So I put my trust in Him. And if you think of it, I'd welcome prayer :)