This is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides.
And this is my prayer in the fire
in weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved in more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapons formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare
God is my victory and He is here...
Oh, is it even honest to write here? Is it honest that I go days and days of writing nothing, sharing nothing, because things are not dramatic, and then when grief grabs me and holds me tight I rush to write it down, to spell it out?
Is it alright? Why do I not record the moments that are just...maudlin? When I do not feel profound or thoughtful but just...sad? Oh God, my heart is so tricky, so flaky... I know that we do not just recover from this injury, but OH GOD, he was so beautiful and I want him back. My heart screams today that I want my baby, I want my child, I want him so deeply.
And yet still there is this thing inside me that says,
All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship....
ALL of my life,
in EVERY season,
You are STILL God and
I have a reason to WORSHIP
OH, He won't let me go... His love is so deep, so wide, so profound, so real and so front to back, top to bottom and I am FILLLLED with His spirit. He picks me up and folds me into His own hold-- and there we are, wrapped up together in grief and hope, too, somehow and HOW does He do this?? I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and He is here...
And this is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow
Where, oh where, to do people go who don't have You, Lord? I feel like I'm a spinning top, sometimes-- like there is no end to this sentence, no end to this horror, this choking grief-- and then there you are, reminding me and filling me up with this...oh, what IS it You are filling me with? Because it is good and it is lovely and it is filled up with tears and laughter and hope, hope, hope that screams in the face of despair and it doesn't make sense and yet, OH, it defeats the death that would try to ravage me and tear out my hair and crush my mind and my heart and my everything. Where does someone go who can't run to You? Where do they hide? Where do they go?
Oh God, I do not understand, but you hear my heart and yours grieves with mine in this lost and lonely place where women lose their children... and where those same women stand up again to shout praises to your name because You are real, and You are good, and we will not leave You because where else would we go? Only You have the words of life. Only You are life.
Hold me now, Father. Hold my heart and keep my tears and keep my mind stayed on you, where there is peace -- peace that defies logic, that defeats fact AND fiction and that does not deny or avoid tears, but see You through it...
Thank You, thank You, thank You-- for every moment of comfort, for every beautiful moment of remembering. Thank You for the words of women who have walked ahead of me and who lift their hands in worship before You. Thank You for their example and their testimony and their witness to Your great beauty and magnificence. Thank You that You are able to be glorified even in this. Thank You that You will take every tear I cry --that we cry-- and You will never, ever get over this loss any more than I will. Thank You for Your friendship and Your mercies. Oh God, help me to know about this seed that was sewn...help me to be a good steward of this season, of this experience, and to bring praise. Thank You that You bring brand new and unexpected mercies every morning...
Bless Your name...
*"Desert Song," Hillsong United