Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Day Six of the First April Remembering

Here are some things I saw yesterday:

-The view from my bedroom has virtually exploded in color. Where I was once worried that our new maple trees were not going to thrive, suddenly overnight they were covered in leaves! It is incredible how quickly things can move and change in nature. I should take this to heart more often.

-Many days, people unknowingly drop messages from God to other people on the path as they go. I was pushing my cart through a grocery store, worrying about things which have been weighing heavily on my mind, when I saw a man with his little girl. She was squirming and he said, "Hey, Daddy has you-- he's not going to let you fall." That man didn't know it, but it's like his mouth opened up and the Lord spoke right through him, right to my heart. Thank You Lord.

-The old guy at the emissions testing place was cool. He had spiky grey hair, a glass eye, and was wearing yellow tinted horn-rimmed glasses. He looked like a middle-aged indie musician who was getting ready to make a music video which was set at an emissions testing site. He even smoked his cigarette funny. And who knew that mechanic's shops are still open for indoor smoking? Or maybe he was breaking the law? Yeah, he was cool like that.

-Turns out, I like the color of grey we've gone with on the house. I wanted to keep it white. LOVED the white. But D really pushed for the grey with white trim and black accents. I miss my white house, but admit that this is going to look sharp. Plus, he promised me that he would paint the whole thing white for me if I hate it. And that man of mine is a man of his word. He would do it for me if I asked him. But I won't. :) As I drove up to the house yesterday and got a look at the side of the house, already covered, I knew it was going to look good. Almost time to plant shrubbery! Anybody want to donate shrubs, I'm looking for gardenias and azaelias and something green (do people divide shrubs?? see how little I know about planting stuff??).

-I was driving along on the most gorgeous day of spring so far when I drove down to the roundabout, which always makes me happy but also takes way longer than just turning past the library (well, it depends if you are going "to" or coming "from," doesn't it?)(if you're from here you know what I mean). I looked across two yards and down the sidewalk and I slowed waaaay down when I saw the woman with the stroller. I've heard about this woman, but until yesterday had never seen her. An old African American woman with a funny sun hat on, she was pushing an empty stroller (baby carriage), holding a plastic bag of something in her right hand. I could tell by the way she was walking that she was not a young woman, but I couldn't estimate an age by looking at her face. I noticed as I looked, though, that she was talking, and I realized that she was addressing the empty stroller.

I looked again at the stroller and it was indeed empty. And my heart broke.

I don't know exactly what was going on. Maybe she's a grandmother and she was on her way to pick up her grandbaby. Maybe she's homeless and that stroller is the only thing she has to carry her stuff in.

But that's not what it looked like. The stroller was clean and she didn't look homeless. Her eyes were tired and focused somewhere else-- weary. Haunted. Where is the baby that was supposed to be in that stroller? Who was she saying, "Just hush now, honey" to? And what does she do when she gets where she's going and she leans in to pick that air-baby up? Does she crumble? Did she ever weep over the lifeless body of a baby son or daughter? Did God weep with her, but she never heard Him? Or did she never conceive? I cannot imagine which is worse....

Oh God, my soul cries out, let me never fall into such despair. I cannot imagine losing my mind, but I know that if there was any event in my entire life that had the power and capacity to push me over the edge, it was the loss of my baby son. God held my mind in His hands and I am well, but I wanted to hold that woman when I saw her...and I wanted to run away, too.

For day six, I plan on painting. I cleaned house all day yesterday, but today I am going to paint something for my kitchen. And I'm going to finish cleaning out the ancient shed in my back yard. And wash these cool mason jars with glass lids that I found.

And breathe deep. And listen for God's voice.

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