Sunday, April 4, 2010

Day Four of The First April Remembering

It's warm out.

My friend Paige and I went and wandered around a local nursery, trying to decide how many of the lovelies I wanted to pack up and take home (a PLANT nursery!-- how crazy do you think I am?? :)). You should know that I have a, well, pretty bad history with plants. I just sort of... forget about them. At one point in the early grieving process, when I was trying to figure out what I did that made God "take" my son from me (I know, I know-- bad theology, but the brain wants reasons for things, and it will try on even the most ridiculous theories), I thought for the briefest moment of seriously-on-the-edge-of-comic despair, that He took him because of my bad track record with plants. Yes-- how can I be trusted with an infant when I can't even keep a fern alive?

There. I've said it. I killed a fern last year.

That takes a special kind of crappy gardener right there.

Anyway, I bought a little orange tree. I've wanted one BAD since I saw this article in a Martha Stewart magazine years and years ago-- I was a missionary at the time, so I didn't have my own home or a spare dime so I tucked it away in the back of my heart and always thought, you know, I'm gonna get me an orange tree as soon as I have my own house.

I have a whole list of plants that I want to have a go at, but I'm going to start slow. We have dark, rich soil to plant in and I have a big, big yard, and a list of things I want to try. Oh, and I am also surrounded by gifted plant people. Which is good.

Right now, I'm listening to Don and Joshua, my 19 year old step-son, sitting on the front porch and laughing their heads off. I'm about to head out to the back yard to tend to my other prize from yesterday-- a tiny gardenia bush.

I wish Ben was here, but it's okay today. I'll carry that ache out to the yard with me and try to imagine what heaven must look like to him. Imagine what it will be like to join him before the throne one day, many, many years from now. Imagine that God lets him know who we are. That he knows that I suck at keeping plants alive, but that I would have remembered to feed and water him :). That he knows that he is deeply loved, even if we didn't get to know each other. Flesh of my flesh-- what more is there to know?

Praise God for His resurrection. Only He can resurrect the broken heart. Only He can resurrect life from death. Only Him. And He is good.

Bless you today, dear friends.

1 comment:

Rebekah Hudgins said...

I cry every time I see Ben's picture. (tears) I love you.