Weekends...

I wonder
If you would have had a
lopsided grin
like your father and your brother.

I wonder
If you would have laughed early
And if you would have laughed often
And if you would have been ticklish
And if you would have loved to be held
And if you would have liked playing alone
Or with people.

I wonder
If your hair would have stayed blonde
And if you would have been tall
And if you would have loved music
And if you would have liked camping
And if you would have liked reading
And if you would have been like my side of the family
or your father's.

I wonder
If you would have loved Jesus early
And if you would have walked away
And if you would have walked back
And if you would have worshipped like I did
And if you would have been an artist
And if you would have loved beauty
like it would have loved you.

I wonder
If we would have ever called you Benny
And if you would have played soccer
And if you would have fallen in love
And if you would have had children
And if you would have become a missionary
And if you would have ever been hurt
Or if you would have been hurtful

If you would have been a poet
Or if you would have been a writer
Or a mathematician
Or a builder
Or a doctor
Or a comedian
Or an actor
Or a juggler.

I wonder
So many things about you.
Who you were.
How the whole thing is possible.
If my heart will heal.
If you knew my voice.
If you knew you were loved.
If you can see me now.
If you were afraid at the end.
If you just slipped into the arms of Jesus.
If you felt my excitement
And my total lack of fear
And if you felt the love in the room,
Your father, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and
friends and friends and friends...

Oh Ben,
I pray God whispers in your ears
How deeply you were loved
And are loved
And how we really did carve a place for you
That no one will ever be able to sit in.
I hope that He lets you see my mother's heart
And how it longs for you
But that you aren't sad-- just that you see.
I hope that you know...
How much worth you had... have....
I hope you know that
even when I'm not crying
I'm longing for you
with a longing like none I've ever known
And that I won't forget,
though the months seem to fly by now...

Dear Ben, son of my right hand,
Know that you are permanent here,
And your loss has changed us all in so many ways
And that I will not become bitter with the Lord
But I will always struggle with questioning
His plan...
Son of my right hand, son of favor,
I would have loved you with all my might
And would have done my best
to do right by you.
And I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you....

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them...

Psalm 139: 15-16