Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I can hear it-- a new season approaching. I'm happy and sad-- happy, distracted, pleased, excited, inspired, contrasted with sentimental, overwhelmed, intimidated and reticent. I'm excited for the new things the Lord is opening up to us, and sort of sad to the leave the world where Ben was... he will always be a part of me-- heck, I spent all last weekend crying and feeling the grief that always sits by the door like a dog scratching to get out. But moving my mind on to new things-- possibilities of new living spaces, another baby one day, new students, new me-- means leaving the me that was and walking ahead with the me that is.

Thing is, I am always scarred; permanently tattooed with Ben's mark across my abdomen. I have heard women groan with it, so I have to wonder if I am completely demented to be grateful for it. I have something of him with me always. The line that marks the spot where we were joined. He was the first to create that spot in me. He opened my womb. It's his flag.

Call me crazy-- I don't care. It is precious to me. I don't want to over think it.

Anyway, the reality is that even if Ben had not died (oh, that he had not died...) I would still be a different woman than I was. Even if April 28 did not clearly mark the date that I was changed forever, I would be different today. I am daily walking in a New Me. We all are.

Where am I going with all this? I don't know. I'm just thinking. Thinking about doors that I need to walk through that I never walked through with Ben in my womb. Doors that house rooms that never expected his presence. Days that were destined to exist, prophesied by calendar makers, whether he breathed in or out on those days. I wish so much that he was walking with me, with us, but either way, here I go...