Sorry I've been so out of touch...things have been busy, busy, busy.... I will share more about what-all later (no, not pregnant yet!), but for now, know this: I am well!
The other day, I asked Don if he thought it was normal that I hadn't cried about Ben in several days. I felt so guilty that I had been functioning like a normal person who isn't walking around with a gigantic hole in her heart. Is the hole shrinking? And if it does, what does that mean? Does it mean that I graduate from the sorority of women who have lost babies if my grief doesn't spill from my eyes every day?
Will it mean that Ben didn't come and go while I was asleep, completely unaware of what was happening to the most important thing my body has ever done?
That part still blows my mind. That I was asleep when it all went down. That I was nowhere. I had no dreams. I have no memory. I don't know where I was when that saddest thing happened. Nightmare happened when I woke up.
Don hugged me and said, No, there was nothing wrong with me. Then I cried.
So complicated. How to go on? How to keep walking forward, looking ahead, but not leave my baby behind? His birth and death are so far away in so many ways now. The more life goes on, the more distant April 28 becomes, the harder it is to remember what he looked like... the easier it is, the harder it is...
Another thing: I want you to know that, no matter how many people come and read this blog, for whatever reasons, I will not advertise anything here. Seriously. I have no idea why, but it bugs the crap out of me that some really precious blogs that I've been reading have become so commercialized. I've stopped reading a couple of them because they post links to shops they support or websites who are giving away prizes if you visit them from their page. I feel bombarded with advertisements that are sneaky: at least on Facebook it's expected. I mean, please. It's Facebook. But a personal blog? I don't know. I guess I feel duped. Like I got sucked in to someone's life and grew to care about them and what was going on-- was maybe even learning and getting some insight into my own struggles-- and now I'm being marketed to. It feels disingenuous.
However, I recognize that it doesn't completely wipe out the importance of what's being said on the blogs, so I'm not totally smacking it down. There are only two I don't read any more-- I haven't "banned" them or anything. It's just that I started reading them when Ben first died and I cried and cried because I was reading words from mothers who had been there-- as several of you have emailed and told me, too, which is such an honor and blows my mind--but then all of a sudden every post is about going to check out this site or that site and "I'll take the first 50 comments" and choose to send a free gift... seriously, I started to wonder if these blogs weren't just a cover for some company or radio station trying to get business. They weren't writing about what was on their hearts at all any more.
Anyway, what I was going to say in that last paragraph was that I know that there are some blogs where folks just like to link their favorite stuff because they want to share-- that's cool and that's not what I'm talking about.
Ah, I'm still in teacher mode. Forgive me? I'm going to go do some laundry and read my book-- Anita Diamont's latest book, Day After Night. I suppose not all hyperlinks are evil...