Of course, at times like this, hypochondria raises its ugly head.
Is it my brain's way of trying to cope? Am I trying to distract myself? Am I completely insane? Yes to all three, I suspect.
All day today, I've had pain in my right calf. And I've known why: Don has been changing the dressing on my wound ever since we've been home, but only recently have the nerves been sort of coming back to life-- it's started to sting BAD every time. So, drama queen that I am, I curl my toes and stretch my legs and sigh and look everywhere but DOWN-- can't look at this wound. Makes me faint. My leg hurts because I strained a muscle in my leg.
But of course, my brain has a check list of every bad thing I could have wrong with me. Because there just isn't enough grief in the world. So all I can think of is "blood clot."
Before I go on, I'll just proclaim this: NO, in the name of Jesus. I say ENOUGH to death and fear and sadness. I say NO to constant fear of the enemy. I refuse, in the name of Jesus, to live my life in fear of...the future. I will not live afraid that I am going to drop dead at any moment, that my husband is going to get killed in some horrible accident, that my parents are going to disappear... granted, we're all going to go be with Jesus at some point, but He has NOT CALLED US TO LIVE IN FEAR OF DEATH.
So a few minutes ago, I got up to check on Don-- he went to sleep early and sounded like he was calling for me-- and when I came back into the hallway, I started feeling all woozy. My legs felt funny, I felt faint, and I stopped and said, "NO, in the name of Jesus. NO. I will not live in fear." And I said some other stuff, too, but you get the idea. I called for Don and he came and prayed for me and I feel fine now, of course.
In all of this sadness and questioning, I feel like the Lord has taken his finger and put it directly on this one area of my heart: fear. It feels like He has identified it as His own personal enemy that He wants to crush in me and for me. Powerfully and permanently.
So tonight, I will take all of my thoughts captive and make them obey Jesus.
I will not die but live and tell the works of the Lord (Psalm 118: 17)