Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Awake

It's 1:30am and I can't sleep.

My son's bed is empty and it's all I can think about tonight. I'm tired-- could easily crawl into bed beside my husband and be asleep in seconds, but my mind just wants to think.

I didn't cry about Ben one time today and I hope that's alright. It felt at times that I was sort of waving thoughts of him away like you swipe at a mosquito-- you know you won't totally get rid of it, but you can delay the bite for a few minutes. It'll show up again and again, near your ear or your wrist or suddenly sucking at your ankle. Thoughts of Ben are always so close. I know it's alright that I didn't cry-- the ache didn't disappear-- and that I surely will tomorrow, but it's the realization of a "new normal" that everyone who goes through disaster seems to talk about.

Everything seems different to me. My house looks different. Maybe because I've hardly left it in these weeks of recuperation. My bedroom looks different. Everything has shifted. The light is funny. But it seems that the baby's room is the one thing that hasn't changed and I don't understand exactly why. I have this memory of sitting in his room a few weeks ago, sorting onesies and toys in preparation for his arrival. Mom and I were oooh-ing and aaaahh-ing over each little outfit and gadget, my feet propped up and swollen, and I remember looking around thinking, Wow. There's going to be a baby in here. This is so weird. So cool, but so weird. Maybe Ben's room doesn't look different to me because it was already weird before. The fact of his coming, the idea of his little person in our home, had been changing me for about 9 months... the fact of his departure was just one more facet in the overall change. I'm different. I'm different from who I was 9 months ago and I'm different than I was three weeks ago today. All because of him. He hasn't changed-- he's as much a mystery to me today as he was before he was born. My memories of him outside my body are almost as shrouded as the images we saw in ultrasound. He was real both places and I touched him-- this is something I keep having to remind myself. I'm different from having grown him and birthed him and buried him.

But oh, to have heard his voice.

That's the thing about it being the middle of the night. I should be holding him. Feeding him. Listening to him breathe or cry or coo. Singing to him or laughing at him. I should be griping over dirty diapers and sleep loss. Instead, I'm trying to adjust to a world that he was never in but was supposed to be in. A world that we made room for him to live in. Have I mentioned how empty my arms feel?

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I know the One I believe in. I know that He is going to make all of this okay somehow, but tonight my heart is broken and I fall at His feet, depending upon the promise that He is near to me now. Nearer than I have ever known. He knows about Ben's room-- He knows about the little clothes that my son will never wear, and the lotions and shampoos that will never touch his strawberry blonde hair. He knows about the blankets that were made just for him and the books that were waiting for his tiny hands to hold. He knows why He chose to knit him together in my womb, only to whisk him away before I could look into his eyes or make him know my kiss.

But I know that he knew my voice. And we shared blood. And he went everywhere with me his entire life. Everywhere.

So there I've done it-- I've cried for him tonight, and written clumsily for him. Now I will go sleep beside his father and pray that he only has good dreams tonight.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

5 comments:

Leah said...

Hi, Sam- Thank you for sharing your heart... Just wanted you to know that I'm reading (your mom shared the link with me). If you don't mind, I'd love to link to your page from my blog. Let me know if that's ok with you.

(I had a blog on blogspot, but I moved it to http://mrsogletree.wordpress.com)

Thinking of and praying for you and your family.

Samantha said...

leah--thank you for praying for us--it means so much. i know that He's hearing your prayers...

and it's totally fine to link our pages! :)

Mary said...

Samantha. . .with each post I love you more. And I honestly could not have imagined that a deeper love or more affinity was even possible.
I admire that you not only find your voice but choose to share it with us.
I'll sit and cry with you whenever/wherever.
Your words are poetic and real - such a beautiful combination! Thinking of you often and remembering you to our Sweet Father.
love you so,
mary

krispence96 said...

Samantha, As I read your words I ache in a way that I only ache when I remember walking in your shoes. There will always be two pains..regular pain and this pain and there is no comparison. Though God will lessen it over time, this pain will always be right under the surface waiting to bubble over at any given time...especially when you read about or talk to someone who is also feeling that same pain.I bear some of your burden tonight and I pray that that somehow lightens your load for a bit.I am so sorry for Ben's empty room.I am so sorry for your empty arms. I am so sorry for your broken heart. God bless you tonight.

Frontera Girl said...

I am listening...