Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Fear is like...

It's so weird how fear seems to just a snake: coiled, waiting around the corner for you to trip or pause or sit....

Things are coming along swimmingly and then I go and break my own rule: online medical info. Why? Why do I do these things to my brain? I can do nothing about the fact that I am 37 years old and pregnant! I'm a bit stuck on getting pregnant while not-exactly-skinny, too. Why do I have to go read the complications?

I am insane! Because this thing that has happened is a miracle! And I am doing everything that I am supposed to do to make sure this baby (boy) is born healthy and whole. And the rest, as my dear friend Amy says, is up to God. "He is knitting this baby!"

But the fear... the only thing I can compare it to sometimes is the feeling I used to get about 45 minutes into a flight (I haven't flown in so long...): oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. How is this thing in the air? What happens if a bird flies into the engine? What if another plane's radar goes down? What if I poke this pen realllly hard through the wall of the plane? What if someone else does? I want off!! I WANT OFF!!

And there's nothing you can do once panic hits on a plane. Just breathe deep and pray and recognize that your butt is on the plane for the length of the flight no matter how you happen to feel about it. And repeat that one verse again and again:

God has not given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind. 2Tim 1:7

The same with now: I am thrilled to be pregnant. I am beyond happy to be expecting a baby boy. I am amazed and astonished and blessed and overwhelmed. But I'm ON this ride, scary possibilities and all. I can't get off. I'm in. 100%. And if I let panic seep in, like the cold flush that rushes through my face and hands whenever it happens, I'm sunk.

So I put my trust in Him. And if you think of it, I'd welcome prayer :)


Once Upon a Time said... is scary how much alike we are. Should we be worried?! Ha Ha! You verbalize my exact thoughts when on an airplane too! Seriously, all women panic about being on the "ride" and not being able to get off. Mine is always, "What have I done?" because girl, I know the pain. It is INTENSE, but it is not without its reward. All women panic a little, and I do think a little, let's call it "concern", is healthy. It is how God made us as women, to be concerned with the details, we are the ones to nurture and nurse so we must be aware of the need, but like it says in the Bible "be angry and sin not" well I think you can be concerned, watchful,intuitive without sin too, but that is a fine line to walk. Today more and more women are having babies at your age. Healthy, happy babies. You just educate yourself on your body and your baby and stand firm in those decisions. The woman who educated you on breastfeeding in the store was right on. The more I have learned about it the more I KNOW that it is the best gift you can give your child besides unconditional love, and a path to God. Also, because of your age and extra weight they are going to want to give you an automatic C-section, pray about this, but I would encourage you to fight for a natural birth-without drugs. I have had a baby with the drugs and 2 without. I cannot tell you the amazing difference in recovery. Think about God's plan for birth and try to follow it. He is perfect in His design. And always remember Sarah! Now she was old..and God GAVE her her blessing, her Issac. Remember what He says...He opens the womb and closes it. HE GAVE you this child and HE will walk you through it!!!!

Samantha said...

thank you, amy. such encouragement. i'll probably call you soon to ask you some questions--