It's so weird how fear seems to just strike...like a snake: coiled, waiting around the corner for you to trip or pause or sit....
Things are coming along swimmingly and then I go and break my own rule: online medical info. Why? Why do I do these things to my brain? I can do nothing about the fact that I am 37 years old and pregnant! I'm a bit stuck on getting pregnant while not-exactly-skinny, too. Why do I have to go read the complications?
I am insane! Because this thing that has happened is a miracle! And I am doing everything that I am supposed to do to make sure this baby (boy) is born healthy and whole. And the rest, as my dear friend Amy says, is up to God. "He is knitting this baby!"
But the fear... the only thing I can compare it to sometimes is the feeling I used to get about 45 minutes into a flight (I haven't flown in so long...): oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. How is this thing in the air? What happens if a bird flies into the engine? What if another plane's radar goes down? What if I poke this pen realllly hard through the wall of the plane? What if someone else does? I want off!! I WANT OFF!!
And there's nothing you can do once panic hits on a plane. Just breathe deep and pray and recognize that your butt is on the plane for the length of the flight no matter how you happen to feel about it. And repeat that one verse again and again:
God has not given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind. 2Tim 1:7
The same with now: I am thrilled to be pregnant. I am beyond happy to be expecting a baby boy. I am amazed and astonished and blessed and overwhelmed. But I'm ON this ride, scary possibilities and all. I can't get off. I'm in. 100%. And if I let panic seep in, like the cold flush that rushes through my face and hands whenever it happens, I'm sunk.
So I put my trust in Him. And if you think of it, I'd welcome prayer :)