Thursday, March 18, 2010

Here it comes!

Spring.

Last year, spring meant new life, abundance, joy, hope, flowers, and a healthy fear of the unknown.

This year means the first anniversary of my precious son's passing. His arrival and his passing.

Oh heart, tremble not.
Oh heart, stand.
Oh heart, hold on.
Oh heart, believe.
Oh heart, you have endured before--
My heart, you will endure again.
Oh heart, stand firm on what you know.
Oh heart, stand firm on what you have seen.
That God is good, and that He is kind, and that all His ways are
well-thought-out and gentle and that He offers comfort when
the way of the world we are pilgrimaging through
is not.
Oh heart.
Sing your hymn--offer it up.
Send it through the trees and
across the grass
and into the clouds.
Sing your hymn and claim that
Love will overwhelm death
and that
Wisdom will confound intellect
and that
Hope will crush disappointment
and that
There will be a happy ending to this story.

No matter how much today's beauty
Reminds you of last year's pain.

I will not dread the spring. I will not let my joy be stolen, snatched away because of bad memories. I will not let spring be draped in black mourning like a mirror in a house of grief. I refuse.

I will give myself time to continue on this journey of grief, but I will not hand it the keys to my house.

Today, I will be a little sad. But I will not fail to notice the brand new buds of life on the baby trees outside my house, and the daffodils which resolutely pushed their faces up through the snow only weeks ago and would not die, only blooming yellower against all that frozen whiteness.

I will rise up yellower, too.

5 comments:

wendymhall said...

Amen and I love you!

Delynn said...

Hello lovely daffodil, I am praying for you. I know that even though spring brings the hope of new things the memory of Benjamin will always shape the springtime from here on out. The days when I miscarried will pass by but I always remember the lives that were not and it makes me sad. But I DO KNOW that our God is good and the sorrows in my life have made me richer. Your yellow is showing!
XOXOX

Holli said...

Samantha, you have been in my heart and prayers and will remain so with this coming season. You are such an amazing and strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story and inpiring us all with your deep faith.

Tom said...

There has been so much grief this year; You pouring out your heart and mind with many layered words straight from God. Don in his own way and his own time, a rock for you. You are so much like your mom. She can't listen to a worship song, or read a book or listen to someone speak without a tear and a moment to pray through it. And me, trying to be mr. counselor, does not have it all together at all. I have been in a grey place for a while; thinking of you all, and Ben and Parkinson's and your mother, a lot, still working , laboring to be my caregiver and provider. I see you chieseling away on a piece of stone, chips going everywhere and when your through the only thing left is Hope.....and that in God.
Love you kiddo,

Samantha said...

i love you so much dad. thank you for everything, all the time.

delynn, wendy, holli... thank you guys :)