I haven't mentioned it before now, but we bought a house.
We did it back in September and it's amazing, but we're not in it yet. Renovations, you know.
And that's how this season of my life feels: not yet, because we're in renovations.
Sometimes I feel so hedged in by time.
But I'm filled with the One who created time-- time doesn't tell Him what is possible or probable or impossible. Time doesn't push Him around and laugh at 38 and say, HA! Your eggs are gettin' OLD. Time doesn't decide who does or does not get created. Time doesn't decide when things happen. My Father created Time and plunked me down into the middle of it, but He never restricted me to it. I'm no victim of Time.
If it sounds like I'm talking myself into it, I suppose I kind of am :).
But this season has involved Don and me determining to keep our vision trained above the horizon, off the surface of the water, away from what things look like and focused on the One who loves us more than words can express.
You got dreams
turn 'em into plans
too big for human hands
trust Him and see
He's got all the power you need....
He's real, He's real
faith's a lot stronger than what you feel...
I've been singing this song a lot in the last few weeks.
I've been singing a lot this season, period.
Something about getting the crap squeezed out of me in April has produced music. Not my own music-- no, this has been a season of prose-- but finding these worship songs that say exactly what my heart has been wanting to say. Almost always, I find myself halfway into these songs before becoming completely overwhelmed with emotion and choking the words out, bent halfway over, heaving with deep, cleansing sobs.
He's real. He's real.
Friends, my God is healing my heart. I had no idea that He could do it. Before April, I had no idea who I worshipped. I think maybe I have even less now. Here's what I know: He's real.
How is it possible that a woman can hold her beautiful, perfect, precious, lifeless son, and walk away with hope in her heart?
How is it possible to return to the scene of the crime in my head, over and over again, and not be decimated?
I had no idea what I was capable of, and that there was survival beyond the worst loss of my life. I had no idea that the God that I have placed all of my hopes in is bigger than I thought. I have looked at the deepest sadness I have ever known and my faith in my Savior has been confirmed.
And I have no words for it.
Every time I open my mouth to sing, my mind goes back to the hospital room. I stepped in for Paul and led worship this morning and it happened again-- I'm singing to Him when suddenly, in my mind's eye, I see myself, half-comatose on drugs, holding Ben. I feel like the Lord is trying to tell me something every time this happens.
Today, I was telling Tara and Tinelle that I think He's trying to talk to me about how present He was in that place. How I have no idea how crammed with His spirit that room was. How He was pressing in there at a strength that was more intense than I have ever known.
And my heart's response, when He is showing me this tragic image during every worship time?
Explosion of love for Him.
Oh, God, how good You are!! How worthy of my praise!! How gentle and loving You are! How mysterious beyond all mysteries You are!! I do not understand Your ways, but I know that they are all perfect.
Thank you for healing me. Thank you that you are healing me every day. Thank you that there is HOPE on the other side of this devastation. Oh, Jesus, thank you for your great tenderness toward me, and that you know my grief and that you bear it with me. I give you my worries about time and age, and I give you my broken heart again and again, and I ask you to glorify yourself in all this. I give you my need to understand-- you know I'll give it to you a million times more, but I give it to you today, and I say YES to you. Yes, yes, yes.
Sweet, sweet Savior.