So, it's 4:28am and I'm up. I'm up for a variety of reasons-- my hips are killing me, and I won't get more specific than that except to say that I have discovered how amazingly well the Lord equipped the human body to adjust to birth. Everything loosens up over the months leading up to the Big Day, including ligaments which are fairly important for posture and comfort, but which would block baby from making it successfully through the pelvic bones. I'm constantly amazed with the miraculous nature of gestation...now to discover the joys of birth... :)
I'll go into the hospital tonight where they will give me a "cervix softener" and then I will sleep and in the morning, they will wake me with pitocin. I know-- sounds decadent, doesn't it? I'm being induced because this little guy is ready to GO-- Benjamin (we finally named him!) is 9lbs and ready to make his debut and we're [mostly] ready for him. I take comfort in this: whatever is left to do that I was planning on doing over the next two weeks, both school and house-related, it doesn't compare to how prepared our hearts are for him. We're ready. We're intimidated, overwhelmed, and blessed beyond belief.
It's almost impossible to touch the awesomeness of a for-real miracle happening in your life. I never thought I'd be able to be a mother. I wanted a baby, but I was told by at least two doctors that it would be difficult-- one, when I was a teenager, and the second, about three years ago. Both relating to endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. But this summer, I cried out to the Lord and He heard me. I cried out to the Lord in July and asked for prayer and then sort of...well... forgot about it... next thing you know, I've taken four pregnancy tests because the people around me just knew. Kristin had a dream, Joy just took one look at me after I said I didn't feel well, Lucy had a feeling... I waited on the Lord and He heard my cry!
And now, here the child comes! And my heart is like Hannah's, and even though we are not naming him Samuel, he is a Samuel in my heart. I cried out to the Lord and I have promised to give him back to the Lord--
27For this boy I prayed, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him.
28"So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD " 1Samuel 1
And that's why, even though I feel completely on edge with fear of the pain of childbirth, I know that I will not die but live to proclaim the works of the Lord-- I know that this child will be fine because he has been a miracle since day one. I have prayed that he would be filled with the Holy Spirit the way that John the Baptist was, from the womb, and that he would love the Lord young and that as intensely as I felt the Holy Spirit as a little girl, he would, too.
OH, I have so many hopes for this little person. And I know that the ones that are sprung from a heart that hopes for his salvation and his character and his spirit, the Lord hears them. I have no idea if he will be rich or poor, smart or...not, handsome or not so much, but I believe this with all of my heart: he will know the Lord and he will live his life for Him. Everything will spring from that.
But tonight, I'm aware that I am on the edge of the biggest physical pain I have ever felt and it's intimidating. I'm happy to be done with this phase-- pregnancy-- for now, but I know that the only way out is through, and I'm trying to keep my head down and push through. Practically speaking, Caroline was telling me about another friend of hers who prays before labor that the Lord would just remove her fears-- 2Timothy 1:7 says that God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, of love, and a sound mind-- and then she said something that I have not forgotten: contractions last about a minute. I can do anything for a minute.
Alright. I'm off. Going back to bed to see if I can't sleep in in the morning-- my last day of school was Friday! I'm worried about a thousand things having to do with school and my students, but I know they'll be alright and I have the most amazing co-workers who will pitch in if things get impossible. I had to laugh, though, when I looked at my "disability" forms (how weird!)-- there's a place where the doctor wrote that I am to do absolutely NO work related to my job over these next 6 weeks. It's awesome to think about, but in the same way that I've heard a mother is never off duty, neither is a teacher. Not really. Not during the school year, even if she's flat on her back.
But giving birth to and figuring out how to take care of my son and how to be parents together with my husband are my priorities now.
Oh my gosh.