Saturday, April 4, 2009

Total Meltdown

Originally written 3/30/09

So, I finally had a dooooozie of a meltdown! It was like my own little personal hurricane, and it went something like this...

Don had been out of town at a conference for a couple of days and had to take my car, so I was staying at mom and dad's and they were carting my tummy and me around everywhere (my dad took me to school and picked me up after! Just like back in the day!!). My routine was thrown off a little-- it was a DREAM being so close to school in the morning. My daily commute is (admittedly, short compared to others) about 15-20 minutes across town (traffice, idiot drivers, etc), so it was great to get to work in about 5 minutes, and it put me early every day. I ate breakfast sitting down at the kitchen table (!), put my mascara on INSIDE the house (!!), etc.
So, Friday morning I was up EARLY and ate breakfast around 6:30 (normally that happens on the way to school). I did all my morning routine stuff and then headed to school. But I realized at some point in the middle of second period that I hadn't felt the baby move since sometime in the middle of the night. So I drank my water really fast and sort of poked around on my tummy for a couple of minutes-- the kids were doing group work and not paying any attention to me. Well, nothing happened. Normally, I can at least feel a little twinge or poke...nothing.

So, of course, my imagination began to rev its engine.

I called my friend Mini'imah, the 9th grade counselor, and she came down to watch the kids while I went to down some juice or something cold and then lie down in our work room for 5 minutes. Well, there was no juice so I drank cold Vitamin Water, which had NO effect at all. That's when I could feel the tears starting and I knew, oh dang. It's getting ready to start.

Now here's the thing: I'm tired all of the time now. I don't really feel "bad"-- I mean, I'm pretty much uncomfortable all the time, but it's not the end of the world. I'm not nauseated, I don't have screaming headaches-- I can take achy and uncomfortable. But I'm also 34 weeks pregnant-- almost at BIRTH!!-- and am flooded with hormones, I guess, and couple that with tired and the fact that I couldn't get Don on the phone (no service-- thanks TMobile) and the baby was really NOT cooperating, I just started to cry.

What if??? The "what if" scenario is a heartless, soulless, bottomless pit. There is no END to the way a "what if" sentence can be played out... and my brain seems endlessly willing to cooperate with that always-losing-end mentality. What if he's dead? What if he dies and Don isn't here? What if he's in pain? What if...

4/4/09 I had to end there and forgot to finish!

So Mini'imah got me to the doctor and mom met us there and after about two seconds of prodding with the ultrasound thingy, junior woke up-- the doctor could feel him bump the ultrasound thing, i could feel it, mom could see it, I think Elizabeth saw it (my midwife). RELIEF. He was okay.

The verse that keeps running through my mind and heart is 2 Timothy 1:7-- God has not given us a spirit of fear, but rather, he has given us a spirit of power and of love and a sound mind. He has already given it to us. RIGHT NOW. It is mine to walk in, to own, to embrace: it will all be alright-- no matter what happens. It will be alright. And I'm not living in some sort of whacked out religious la-la land. It really will be okay. Somehow.

And for today, it honestly is. According to my midwife, the baby is just getting bigger so his movements are different than they were before. As far as that morning goes, I'm pretty sure I know what happened: I was staying with mom and dad and eating breakfast a LOT earlier than normal (at 6:45 instead of 7:30, on the way to work). That morning, he probably did his morning routine while I was dressing or drying my hair and I just didn't pay attention. He was napping exactly the way he normally would. If I had gotten hold of some orange juice or a coke, he would have woken right up.

So I drank a coke that afternoon and he kicked the mess out of me the rest of the day :)

I am determined not to give into fear again. Which is both easy and hard at this point. Easy because I only have a few weeks left-- 30-something days (one of my students is keeping a daily count). Hard because now I'm pushing down (waaay down) a gnawing panic attack over labor.

But that verse is my verse. And the billions of women who have survived it is a pretty convincing argument that all will be well, too.

Alright! OFF to sleep for a while this afternoon! We're on SPRING BREAK!! Time to do some hard-core nesting :)

1 comment:

J said...

AAAHHH! I hate the What If's?! Only now mine are What if I get pregnant again!? but I do remember all too well the What if's? of pregnancy. Going there is like turning on "My Girl" after you've done your make up but before you are walking out the door for an interview. Nothing good can come of it and you will feel (and look) like crap! So hold tight to that verse chicka! He will get you through it. And as for the delivery..... forget the all natural lie.... get the drugs! you will be more relaxed and be able to enjoy most of it. (I won't say all of it b/c you just never know.) Love you girl!