Monday, May 17, 2010


Oh, good afternoon.

Tired. All the tired teachers go, "haaay..."

And feeling a little quirksome.

The end of the year is like... what's it like? It's like... four weeks of feeling like you're being squished into a tiny bean bag, slooooowly.

The kids are at each other's throats, the teachers are stretched as thin as can be, the parents are completely freaking out, the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...

Something funny happened after Ben's birthday.


I don't know what it was. This whole year, I have felt like I was on some sort of countdown toward this magical, heartbreaking date, and once it happened, it was... anticlimactic? That's not right. It was...just a day.

He was just as gone.

He was just as much the gigantic life-changer wrapped in a teeninesey package as he ever was.

The scar across my tummy still itches.

The pain in my heart still comes and goes.

I don't know what I expected from that day.

But here's something I know now: I can cry out to the Lord and He hears me. I have been offered so much advise from so many beautiful, genuinely good-hearted people this year and have found that so much of what I really needed to hear and know could only be spoken to my heart through His word and waiting in His presence.

I have also learned that He can speak to my pain through the lips of people who do not know or love Him. I just have to listen. He's hiding everywhere.

I have learned that He really is the only source of life for me. That Jesus Christ is the only answer for me.

I have learned that I can run to the Rock of my salvation and even though I can't lay my hands on Him physically, He unfolds me and pours out the balm of His presence into my aches.

And I am learning about the sheer power of gratefulness.

Yesterday, I stood in my kitchen and got all teary-eyed and began to just say, "Oh Lord... thank you for my house. Oh wow, I just love my home. Thank you, thank you, thank you...."

And I felt like dancing.

And for a minute, I thought of how sweet it would be to be dancing my son around this beautiful home, but I knew we would dance around one day... just not today... and I brought my brain back to this moment of thankfulness.

Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus...


Fawn Gilmore Kraut said...

Why do your posts always bring tears to my eyes? You're sheer honesty. Your unhidden heart. Your open powerful real faith.

It's always an inspiration.

Thank you once again.

Samantha said...

long-lost-mystery cousin! :) i just saw this comment!! thank you for the encouragement!!