Monday, July 28, 2008
Anyway, I'm so excited about the kids. Can't wait to see them and to see what the year will hold. I struggled last year with the thought that I would never be able to love a group of kids more than [insert previous year here], but as always, hearts unfold and children wiggle their way in. I just keep seeing the faces of my then-strangers on the eve of open house, and how they became so dear to me only a few months later. It will all happen again tomorrow night. Wonder who my Horatio will be-- he was my student who made sure that he was the FIRST to shake my hand last year :). Wonder who could possibly step up to take his place...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
This beautiful young woman passed away this morning. I didn't know her, but her brother and sister-in-law were dear friends of mine in YWAM and I wanted you to pray for them this morning, if you would. The blogsite, so you can read her story, is http://katiereider.blogspot.com/ , and if you go to iTunes (or even look on YouTube), you can hear this voice.... Such a stunning voice and generous spirit. And now, she knows all of the secrets of the universe...
Sunday, July 6, 2008
How off is that?
When I looked down at Ella the other day, I began to cry. We all started laughing, but everyone in the room understood: there are no words for what I felt. It was primordial, if you'll excuse the word. It sprang up inside my heart, this fierce passion for a little girl I had only held one other time, the evening of her birth. In her face I saw all of my baby pictures and my little brother's face. I saw my sister-in-law's red hair and unattached ear lobes :). She looked up at me with enormous blue eyes and beautiful rose-bud lips and it occurred to me that there was not one thing I would refuse her, ever. My flesh and blood. I knew that I loved her immediately. I loved her the evening of her birth, I loved her the minute my brother told me he was having a daughter, and I was seized with loving her last Sunday.
And other than being desperately cute, she had done nothing to earn my love. She hadn't performed any feats of wonder, kept any of my secrets or regaled me with entertaining stories. She had never helped me out in a time of need, nor had she noticed anything especially important about me. I had to love her.
And it's no less important than someone picking us.
What I mean is this: we were chosen, in Christ, before the earth was even established. Before we had made one wrong (or right) move, we were loved. Each of us, individually and corporately as a species. I don't get it, but I know that it is the truth. And this love that we are loved with is not even remotely related to our ability to earn (or lose) it. It exists because He exists and because He loves us deeply, passionately, and without just cause. In the same way that my niece-- both of them-- has captured my heart without having "earned" it-- loving her because I have to love her is the only way to love her. This is a love that knows no boundaries.
And she's not even my daughter. Can you imagine (some of you can) how it must feel to love a child you've given birth to? Oh my gosh, the torment and the joy of it.
Anyway, it's something I've been thinking about-- those fights, that desperate desire to feel loved that every teenager seems to be tormented with (and not just teenagers-- but it's that desperate need coupled with the sheer lack of rational thought that seems to really bruise them).
See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him... (1 John 3:1)
Oh for the faith to fully receive that into our bones....
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
painted and spilled on and mopped up with linen
and i love the word like
and the way it holds you on its fingertips
and i need the word still
and all of the quiet concentration and
leaned-into-it almost tripping in front of it-ness
that it implies and whispers and groans and sings
and i hope the word here
with promises and promises and promises
torn and etched into the face of things.
but i always like the word lovely
and the way it creaks its heavy fragrant load
into my hair and my pores and my dreams
and i'm wrapped up with pink and maybe and perhaps
and i will expect the somehow
the way water appeared that time in the woods
in frosty, lovely aluminum cups
and bit our throats all the way down
like birds chirping in new paint
soft like down, sweet like you.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
At the same time, I'm loving all of this...solitude. I could be doing stuff, but I have chosen to be completely quiet every night and it's so weird. Went to group this morning (which was awesome-- I'm really convinced that we need to offer this course to teachers-- it's a parenting group that Dad and I are facilitating through an anti-child abuse organization here in our community and some of the attendees are send through the courts while others are there on their own) and realized that I hadn't spoken to anyone since sometime yesterday afternoon. After group I went to the doctor (hypochondriac is fine) and then to work in my classroom. Other than chatting a bit with Scott and Officer M., I was completely alone the entire afternoon (and a convo about the 4th with Kristen).
And it was good.
I'm supposed to be completely driven to be around people. My Meyers-Briggs thing says that I am an ENFJ, but really I'm on the line for most of those. I was almost half and half on a couple of them. But have you ever notice that the older you get, the more you kind of...mellow out? But I wonder if that's true of introverts. Seems like introverts might stay introverted, while extroverts seem to discover that being alone is pretty nice sometimes... so does that mean that the introverts have it all right? I KNEW it. Dang.
Anyway, I'm kind of rambling here. Must have something to do with the voice that has not come out of my mouth much. Got a lot of thoughts all jumbled up in here!
Bullet points, just to get them out:
-people are weird.
-i miss my husband.
-i wish Big Love was still on.
-i'm concerned that i won't be able to watch Ghosthunters tomorrow night because Don isn't here.
-i'm really, seriously frustrated with a couple of situations that i have absolutely zero control over.
-i miss my nieces and sometimes think, wouldn't it be cool if it was like Little House on the Prairie times or early-American times when families lived in the same towns and stayed near each other? oh my heart, i miss baby ella. made worse because i don't know when we'll see her again. must make time with chandler, too, and soon. she'll be walking before we know it. and she's straight up adorable.
-i'm so excited about school coming up. nervous about teaching bible. it will be fine, but still nervous. if the roster i saw is correct, that class is HUGE and it's made up of Caroline's former students because she was going to be teaching it before it was given to me. great. we'll have students striking the first day of class. plus, did i mention that it's huge?
-i want to let something go, but i can't. am i still hurt or just really, really curious? both, maybe. what am i hurt about? being embarrassed. old, old situation. maybe i'm irritated, too.
-was it just me, or did my doctor seem to be completely checked out today? i'm sure she's great. it was weird. anyway, i'm okay, so that's good. oh no-- isn't this how old hypochondriacs act??? like their doctors are never good enough? oh my gosh...
-did i mention that i miss my don? he'll be home soon. and i'll talk his ears off. pray for him :)
that is all. oh, latest picture of ella and me :)
Ella and Papa!