El Roi: The God Who Sees Me

So he sleeps finally. I reach over and wake him bc I can't hear him hiccuping, which means I can't hear him breathing. He's always been a quiet sleeper but tonight I need him to snore, to make a sound, something so I can hear the breath in his lungs.

There's no one to call in times like these. You could call, text, message a thousand people, but no one has what you need: the solution. No one has the perfect mixture of words, the just-so inflections, the right tone. There is not one person on earth-- not my mother, not the doctor, not a friend, who I can call to lift this burden sitting on my chest.

Only You. And I can't hear You over the desperate flapping of my wings.

But I know you are El Roi-- the One who sees me.

I drove around crying this morning. I need a word from you. A sign that you see me, hear us. That you haven't forgotten that you assigned us to this outpost. That we haven't been abandoned out here. That you see that Don can't breathe because of these hiccups. That you hear our cries for relief.

What is the perfect prayer? The right combination of words, the correct tone, the magical compilation of things to get You to hear me? My theology tells me that this isn't about sin, but then I think...is there some uncontested thing causing an infection way deep down and this spark of rot is what is hurting him? I'll repent of anything. We work to stay current before the Lord, but have we missed something? The other night, he told me that he lay awake and confessed every single thing he had ever done wrong as he struggled to stop the constant spasms of his diaphragm.

We both know that this isn't how it works, but when you don't know where or why something came, you're left with vain imaginations. Battle.

So I know I probably won't sleep tonight. I'll sit here and listen for him to take the next breath past the hiccup. Tomorrow I can sleep, when he has the medicine that might help stop this, but whose reputation is sketchy. I can sleep while he sits up, trying to maintain this amazing attitude he has. Being nice even when he feels terrible. Not crying even though I know he wants to.

Oh God, won't you hear our cry?

So here is where I rest: His word.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, "The LORD is great!" But as for me, I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; LORD, do not delay.
Psalm 70

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all of my fears. Psalm 34

In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice and my cry to Him reached His ears.
Psalm 18

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. Psalm 56:3

God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.


Psalm 46

Lord, You have never failed us yet. I thank you in advance for the healing that is on its way.

And I know you hear. You are El Roi, the God who sees me.