Being pregnant this time feels like those dreams where you find out you have to go back to kindergarten or ninth grade because someone lost your transcripts, and you're squeezed in with all these little kids, learning the alphabet all over again, or some crazy grammar, and you realize that you've forgotten half the rules you used to know.
Every day, I feel like I've been re-enrolled in faith courses.
It's an interesting war that is battling in my mind, and I recognize that the peace that I really am feeling is because the Holy Spirit and I have been walking together for a long time, so I know Him, but He's asking me to learn a new language, or new rules, or new something.... The war over my tendency toward double-mindedness: I know you are faithful, but I thought you were faithful the other time... or... Being pregnant is just a biological fact, so what if this pregnancy falls through? I think I'd be alright if that happened, but is even thinking about it a lack of faith?
I really wish I could hear clearly right now.
So my only choice is to trust.
If you think that's easy, you're only halfway right.
Because on the one hand, it's all I can do-- just trust Him. But it's what I'm "just trusting Him" for that is the kicker. Am I trusting for a healthy pregnancy and successful delivery and baby? Or am I trusting Him to walk me through another tragedy? Because He can do both things. He has shown me that. Am I making gigantic assumptions when I assume that He has allowed and smiled on this pregnancy and will bring me through it? Better women than me have experienced heartache like I cannot fathom-- why not me?
My BRAIN!!! AIGH!!!!
So here's the prayer, again, always:
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus... only You, only You, only You.
Because here's what we know: He is good and He is trustworthy. He is not checked out of my life. I am not a "special study" on his chart of experiments He is performing on humans. I am His daughter. And this life is not all there is. He knows my heart, and He knows what is good for me and for my family.
I spotted during aerobics last night. I spotted with Ben, too, and the nurse told me just to rest, and I did, and everything was fine. No cramping ever happened. I called my friend Sarah F. as I hopped into the car and she counseled me out of freak-out mode. I went home, took a shower, and put myself to bed. The spotting was never heavy and it was totally done sometime in the middle of the night.
Of course, I've run to the restroom a thousand times today. All clear every time, but my mind races.
But here is where our confidence lies: it's not in the getting of what we want. It's not in the keeping of what we've been given. It's in the Giver of all things, with no caveat, no "oh, also's"-- it's just in Him.
No matter what.
So here I am, back in Trusting Jesus 101, but I think He's going to teach me some new things this season. I'm holding out for that.