Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sigh

Every once in a while, I read something or hear a story that reminds me of that season in my life that seems to have cut me into two halves: before and after.

To be truthful, there were so hurtful elements-- can there be "infidelity" in friendship?-- but the only one that remains is the loss of two friends, an "older" married couple. The other thing was embarrassing, but didn't leave wounds that persisted. It's funny when I think of the couple-- they were at that time the age that I am now.

And I think about it all the time, to be honest. I'm not obsessive about it. I don't dwell on it daily. But it probably comes up once a week, or once every couple of weeks. When I smell Aveda's Rosemary Mint shampoo (it's what I used that summer in Israel)(it will also mean Israel to me, forever-- if you ever go, you should take it. It peels the diesel and sweat right off your skin and out of your nose. Didn't work as well in Edinborough. There, Jodi and I used straight peppermint in the palms of our hands-- peppermint is eternally Scotland). When I taste really fantastic milk (we accidentally bought cream for our cereal until we figured it out-- everything was written in Hebrew). When I pass the Seventh Day Adventist church on the way to school (who knew that they were vegetarian? We cooked the most wonderful meat in their kitchen pans, not even realizing that they were vegetarian AND kept kosher... and the hosts never said a word to us about it. So gracious). When I think about the fact that I am going to have a baby and this woman that I loved like the older sister I had never had does not know and will never meet him or her.

I am not obsessed. I simply think about it, I think, in the way that someone remembers someone that they love who has died. Because they are dead, honestly.

And I wonder, again and always, how? Not, "how could they have betrayed my confidence and embarrassed and humiliated me the way they did?" That's completely forgiveable. I have led, I have screwed up. There's room for that.

No, the how is "how do you abandon a friend"?

I guess my question is, really, what (oh, at the risk of sounding trite) is friendship anyway?

I hate even writing a question like that-- it sounds like a self-conscious free-write produced by one of my high school students. But then again, sometimes they ask questions that we think we are so much more sophisticated to ask any more.

But my ramblings on the subject get shorter and shorter, don't they?

This life is so full, so good... thinking about this has nothing to do with that. No, nothing. Just sadness that doesn't budge.

In other news, we're at week 11!!! Ah, beautiful life. I keep praying for the health and well-being of this baby... May seems such a long way off. My eyes are fixed on the One who said Yes and this one came into being...

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