Monday, June 16, 2008

So, um...

it's late again.

I'm up hoping.

Hope is such a funny singing into a cavern-- you can hear your voice echoing all pretty and graceful off the walls and you wonder if the loveliness is only being heard by you. If it's wasted on no audience at all. But then there's God.

But then there's God.

I have this thing that I've wanted for exactly one week. One week is not a long time to want something badly, but there it is and I want it. I've been wrestling with superstition, doubt, fear, anxiety and hope, joy, euphoria, and anticipation for seven days and I feel exhausted.

I wonder-- how much does our wanting something matter? If it's not something bad, and it seems to be something good, how much does our desire for it play into God's plans? My friend Amy and I were praying about it and she had this image of God leaning down over her little boy Joshua, putting his hands on his little shoulders and saying, Hold on. Not now-- just wait a minute.

I can see that. I can see that I need the Father heart of God to hush my anxiety sometimes.

Don says that I did this with him, too. He's right-- what is it about me that has such a struggle with waiting? I wonder if sometimes I think, "Oh no! This is such a fantastic [deal, man, trip, job]-- how can God ever top this??? If I don't get THIS one RIGHT NOW I'll never have another chance."

Again, God made trees. Loads of them. Each one is perfect in its way and God was able to recreate the miracle again and again....

Still, I'm hoping for this one thing this time, and call me anything in the book that you want to call me, but one thing I am for SURE is loyal. I know this about myself. When I see something or someone I love, I'm loyal to a painful fault.

So, if you're a pray-er and you want to pray with me, just pray that God's will would be done. Of course, it will be-- so I don't understand why Jesus wanted us to pray that, really, but He did, so I will. Let His will be done.

I'll let you in one what I'm talking about later. Until then...

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