This season is suddenly tough. We can never truly anticipate an attack, I think, but then I think... well, sure we can. If we're paying attention. If we are spending time before the Lord, in the place of prayer, He can speak gentle warnings- or strong warnings- to our hearts.
We haven't been paying close enough attention, I'm afraid.
And yet, when I went before the Lord yesterday, He had this to share with me:
"I was made very happy in the Lord that now you have revived your interest in my welfare after so long a time; you were indeed thinking of me, but you had no opportunity to show it."
Well, you are perhaps wondering what this means...
But I had to laugh. I felt that the Lord was speaking through this dark, dark shadow of trouble (which I will not go into here for a variety of reasons, but will once it has passed), telling me-- though the words are Paul's and refer to his situation-- that He was happy that I had "revived [my] interest in Him. That He knew that I had been thinking of Him, but [smile] I had had no opportunity [read: was not desperate enough] to show it...
God is very kind. It has been so long since we went to bed praying and woke up praying.
It has been so long since I threw myself at the mercy of my God.
And His reply? "I'm so happy to see your interest in me has been revived." And my kids wanted to know the definition of "wry" the other day. My Father in heaven has every kind of humor there is....
God is faithful, even when we are hanging on for dear life and asking "Where are you? I'm afraid and confused and did not expect this at all...."
My friend Caroline reminded me today that everything that comes into our lives is allowed. It passes through HIS courts before any court here on earth.
And I can feel the squeezing in my heart, like His hand, squeezing out the things that do not please Him...fear, worry, anger, unbelief... And yet, I can also feel His hand holding me.
But when I go to lie down tonight, will the worries creep into my mind? When I lie down next to my wonderful husband, alive and healthy beside me, will I forget my blessings? It makes me want to stay awake. To keep vigil over my heart and mind. To bind His words to my head with a strip of duct tape. Get this, Samantha: He is good.
I want to throw my head back and scream, and laugh, and weep-- and I know this, too, that these things we pass through which feel so like the valley of the shadow of death are part of our journey-- our "odyssey" even.
And lo, He walks with us.
Thank You, Father, for this opportunity to show You my deep interest in You.