Monday, June 11, 2007

the whole house to clean and not one paper due...

I've been off my game, blog-wise. For the last year or so, I've waxed poetic in my myspace blog at a pace of about twice a week. Several of those blogs were great pieces of writing, but almost all of them (good or bad) shared one thing in common: I was avoiding a paper when I wrote them.

Oh yes, my master plan for procrastination almost always involves doing something just as significant (however I define "significant" that day) instead of the thing which is due. My house? Never cleaner than when an especially big paper or project is due. Dinner? You guessed it-- 'pert near gourmet when I should be preparing a powerpoint. And of course, when I'm at the computer anyway, and it's late at night because I've cleaned house, painted or called long-lost friends just in from (insert country here), blogging happened.

I wonder if I will ever be able to write again. The last paper I wrote-- a study of Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises from a queer theorist perspective (fascinating, I have to say)-- was particularly...anticlimactic. One of my favorite papers, I think, but as I was drawing to a close, writing for one of my favorite professors, I realized that, unless I return one day for a PhD, it's my last paper to be submitted in this way. And I was a little sad. I was frenzied, harried, freaked out and nervous about a million other little things (it was days before graduation, in the same slot as my oral defense of my portfolio and it was late) and I got a little melancholy for paper writing...

I miss school. Already. There. I've admitted it. So many friends have called and wished me congrats on finishing my master's and have, almost to the one, asked "Are you relieved?" Of course I laugh and say YES, but in a way... I know that I sound 16, but I miss my friends. I miss my cohort-- we were a tight group of people, in each other's lives daily for one year, walking through so much stress and so much good conversation and learning. I'm happy to have a job, and my school is fantastic and crammed with really wonderful people-- including a couple of very, very good friends AND a great friend from my program, too--but it's not Agnes. And I already miss all of those women (and our token guy, and our profs, et al).

I guess I'll start procrastinating when it comes time to grade things in the fall. Except that I'm back to another freshman year, when I don't procrastinate because I'm too scared. I'll be totally on top of my game out of sheer fear of failing for at least one year-- and possibly two. Maybe even three, but we'll see. When will I blog again?

Today, I guess. I'm avoiding cleaning the office. It's still a mess from just before graduation. But avoiding papers is what fires the angst of good writing, so I'm wondering where that's going to come from. Hm. I might have to start trolling for assignments.

In other news, it's raining. God is good and my ferns (still living) are happy--


Jacquie said...

Sam, just wanted to complement you on the coherency of this entry; as I was reading it, I immediately noticed a refreshing brevity common only to trained writers (whether they be Writers or in the midst of any field of academic training). How funny that this turned out to be the subject of your post!

Hope all is well out there,

PS- I know you'll be (are) an astounding teacher. Congratulations on your degree!

Samantha said...

i love you, girl! thanks for the congrats! when do classes start for you? vandy won't know what hit it...