Thursday, May 17, 2007

hm.

isn't friendship weird? well, i don't guess that being IN friendship is weird, but they don't die pretty, and those that do don't leave an empty frangrance. it's ugly and smelly and drips with, there's this word again, regret.

several years ago, i walked through a funeral pyre of friendship-death. it was horrible. looking now, i was horrible. we were working together on a team, i was a kid, i wasn't getting my way, i guess, and some private thoughts of mine were made public in a way that still baffles me. i lost three dear friends in the process. and i think they are forever gone.

but when i consider the path that i was on at that time... i was in ministry, and i would have followed two of these people anywhere. they had been my leaders in the organization i worked with, and they were like an older brother and sister in the faith. though i am still not convinced that they dealt with me in the best way possible, i know that the tantrum i threw over the loss of their friendship included words and insults that caused such wounds that only eternity can truly heal. i was mean. i was wounded-- and wounded people can be some of the meanest you ever met. anyway, my path was headed toward some sort of full time ministry with them-- i would have moved wherever they wanted to set up shop. i was single, full of zeal, and i practically worshipped them. with good cause-- they were pretty awesome. still, it would have been the most tragic move-- it wasn't where God was leading me.

i was just thinking of it tonight...i think of them sometimes. i spent the day today (wasn't today GLORIOUS in georgia?)(all except the parts that are burning...bring rain, Lord) with a dear friend who asked me what i thought about the intervention of the Lord. i'm for it :). but anyway, here i always consider the trip from hell-- the trip where i died, and the samantha you know now was born-- as a major intervention from the Lord. did He inspire us to brutalize each other the way we did? did He inspire me to write venomous letters to that couple whose actions so messed with my head? did He conspire for events to happen the summer my mother developed cancer and my father developed Parkinsons?

no.

but He used it all.

oh my heart cries with the goodness of my God. how He is able to save us from the most empty sea of wrong choices-- no boats, no docks, only waves of emptiness and loneliness and following the wrong paths because we don't know which paths to take. oh, how He saved me. how grateful i am.

but how grieved i am, too. i lost them. they are lost to me. i loved them, and in my anger over their sound rejection of me, i lashed out at them with a bitterness none of you could ever imagine coming from my pen. i spoke words that most people only think about the sanity of others, or the soundness of their marriage. i questioned everything about them. why, oh why, didn't i just keep it all to myself? why didn't i just burn those letters? i, who cannot seem to be moved to send a birthday card to my own little brother, found it in myself to faithfully mail at least three letters fairly seething with poison. if only i could go back in time and clamp my hands together. if only i could distract myself with anything other than those letters.

sigh.

i'm restless. and tonight, i ran across the blog of one of the folks involved in that mess. this person was sort of a bit player, but there nonetheless, and it was odd to read words that were happy and sort of light, when the last time i saw this person everything was dark and red in a basement in edinburgh. oh, that town. the home of my ancestors. what a dark spot you are in my memory.
anyway, i promise that the next thing i write will be happy. i'm just a little stunned melancholic after finding that blog. suddenly, with graduation, i have way too much time on my hands-- gotta start writing curriculum!!!!

2 comments:

boom-shaka-laka said...

Hi Samantha,

I hope you will forgive us all. If you ever need or want to discuss any of this, I would be willing to talk with you.

Brian

Samantha said...

ah, no need friend. it's under the blood-- truly and completely. just reconciling is enough for me, i think. and deeply glad that you're well, too :)