Monday, January 2, 2006

it's late

So, it's late and i'm battling the ever-constant, gut-wrenching pain of waiting for grades. This is the first time I've experienced this fear of a bad (or failing) grade at school, and I am bummed that it's my senior year and this little cloud (or nube en espanol) called Spanish 201** is casting quite a shadow. Anyway, that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing because this morning I realized that it's bad to live in constant fear (picture: light. angels singing. I am now crowned with wisdom). Fear of all kinds of things. So if this is the time to make resolutions, mine shall be Fear Not. Good thing here-- this is the salutation that heralds the appearance of the angel of the Lord, and He is just the One I am needing right now. What things are we afraid of? For me, it's failure in any form (no pressure, O Perfect One, aka Deluded One). And if it's not failure, it's cancer, usually.

So what is it about fear? The enemy would steal our joy, friends. We were created for one thing: to know God and to be enjoyed by Him forever (I ripped this off from some Presbyterian catechism-- Westminster maybe?-- Kevin, do you recognize it?) This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. So why fear? If we were created to know the most perfect, loving, merciful, creative, beautiful One in the universe, and if He loves us with a love that knows no limits or boundaries, what should we fear? If He has conquered death, so we need never fear hell or dying, what should we fear? If He has promised that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that He will be our One Great Love and Magnificent Obsession, what should we fear? My God invented coffee. What is there to fear?

And yet we do. So today I told Him, I am afraid of not graduating on time. I am afraid that I will never completely walk in the vision I feel He set in my heart. I am afraid of disappointing everyone I know in countless ways. Of failing Don, my parents, friends.... and it's all about who's in control.

But here's a tidy message: "We are like windows, stained with the colors of the rainbow, set in a darkened room til the Bridegroom comes to shine through" (rough wording, Keith Green).

----> so here's an interesting thing: I lost the last half of what I had written here. and I can't remember what awe inspiring, illuminating thing I said (it is, as I mentioned, late) to conclude. So how's this: my hope, my goal, is to allow the light of the Lord to shine through me (how trite, it may sound, but what if the Church actually did it?) and light me up. I say YES to Him, and He shines through me, and I trust Him to take care of the rest-- help me to be a great student, help me to walk in the ministry He's called me to, help me to trust Him for the things I am still waiting for--- and the same for all of us. Regardless of age, our little family here have a lot of things-- hopes, desires, stresses-- in common. So let's decide together to trust Him that He is:

merciful
kind
wise
abounding in grace
patient
just
loving
nice
smart

and on and on.

So my thing for this year? FEAR NOT.No more. Conquer fear where it seems to live-- in my mind, all day long, and battle it with the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of the Lord. Spend time with Him, bathing my fearful brain and heart with things that are true: Jesus Christ is God and there is none beside Him.

what about you guys?
love!
sam

**update: I made a B+ in that Spanish class...

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